It’s now been about ten months since Klara’s Truth was first released, and I’ve happily had several book events and discussions during that time. One of many questions I’ve gotten on more than a few occasions is, “Can Klara’s mother really be that mean? Can parents really be that awful?” One audience member responded that she thought Klara’s mother, Bessie’s character, seemed more like a caricature of a bad mother than someone real. As I nodded ‘yes’, another therapist sitting in the audience said, “Yes, Klara’s mother’s character is entirely plausible.” In my book, Klara’s Truth, Bessie is portrayed as being an overt narcissist, presenting as quite grandiose selfish, deceitful, and callous, while hiding her intense vulnerabilities. At the same time, she is simultaneously critical and possessive of Klara whom she puts down at every turn, despite Klara’s high academic and professional achievements.

Both mothers and fathers can be narcissists and or have strong narcissistic qualities in which they can unfortunately be hypercritical, neglectful, or favor a particular child, or some combination of the above. They can also compete with that child. Research shows than 1 to 2% of the general population has a full DSM-5 diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People casually use the term “narcissistic” in describing someone when they often mean arrogant or self-centered. So why is it so difficult for some of us to come to terms with the reality that there are parents, both mothers and fathers who are truly narcissistic?

It makes me think about how as a society, we continue to have an idealized concept of what all parents and families look like, and often resist seeing the full picture which includes abusive parents of a variety of sorts. Narcissists can be quite verbally and emotionally abusive, to the point where their children can develop Complex PTSD, which is a type of long-term developmental trauma affecting children and adult children throughout their lives. Psychotherapy can be a huge help in dealing with these consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many wonderful parents out there, and parenting is not for the faint of heart. Many parents give what Dr. Donald Winnicott coined “good enough parenting,” suggesting that parents don’t need to be perfect to raise healthy children, rather they should respond to their children by meeting their needs. However, we live in a world that by Judeo-Christian standards tells us in the fifth of the ten commandments that one must “Honor your father and mother.” Although we may suppose it is understood, it never says that children must be treated with honor as well. It is a fact that there are children who are abused by their parents in many forms, reaching adulthood without anyone noticing. These children are taught from an early age in their family system that above all secrets are kept, no matter the price, so that the family can continue to go on functioning at the expense of the child or children. Even abusive parents know to act somewhat appropriately in public, sometimes even charmingly so. But sadly, the answer to the question, “Are there really parents like that?” is a resounding ‘Yes.’